Even the helicopter will need a little clearing to land.
Your aim here is not to ‘stay positive’ always and every day, but just to aim for the closest tiny patch of sunshine and look around from there.
At various times the following options have worked for me: antidepressants, counselling, going for regular walks with a friend or re-connecting with my own happier past. So can I ask you to do this one thing: if you still feel exactly the same, please talk to someone, probably a GP first. The future children in your life need your open, precious mind and heart. Your mind is precious and you need it for your Masters. And you seem to have lost sight of another vital P-word: precious. It bothers me that your answers seem to be ‘me, always, everything’. My own quick check for the difference between sadness and depression involves three P-words – personal (who caused the problem?) permanent (how long will it last?) and pervasive (how much of my life does it affect?). Did you write at a particularly bleak 3am or do you feel like this most days? I ask because a person who has tipped from sadness into depression won’t be able to do what they need, even if they know what it is. I think you know that what you’re seeing is not the whole story, because you use the word ‘yet’ in your first sentence, but may I just check something? If I’m now an agony aunt – new for me – then you’re my first agony niece, and I don’t want to be giving you words on a page if you are stuck in deep dark woods and what you need is a helicopter. It sounds like you have a lot of heartache. I’m finding it hard to stay positive, and I really don’t know what to do. I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, and feel as if I am driving people away as they increasingly spend time with other couples. I put on a brave face in front of friends or family but am filled with envy or sadness when I see them, and often drive home in tears. I’ve wanted a child for a while and split up with my last boyfriend because he didn’t want children, but with every passing year, my worry that I’ll never meet anyone to have a child with increases. I’m funding a Masters so am putting all my money into that instead of a deposit for a house, but I wouldn’t want to buy on my own anyway. They’ve purchased first homes, are getting married, having children – all things I want but don’t have. My friends and brother all seem to be moving on to a different stage in their lives while I’m being left behind. I’m 31, yet I feel as if my best days are all behind me.
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